Essay: It's Time for a New Beginning

⌛ By Kaylin R. Staten ⌛

Goodbyes are always challenging. They can be painful: whether it’s knowing when to end a platonic or romantic relationship, saying you’ll see your high school classmates again after graduation but knowing you won’t, or hugging a loved one goodbye for an extended period of time.

I didn’t anticipate saying goodbye to my company as I have known it for seven-and-a-half years. I had been flirting with the idea of making a drastic change for a while, but I couldn’t jump off the ledge into the deep, unknown waters – the waters that gave way for me to begin my company in the first place. Here I am, sipping cold coffee at a mid-century modern desk with accolades, hourglasses, and clutter surrounding me. I have to wonder, “Where did I go wrong?”

The answer is that I didn’t go wrong. I am just evolving, as most healthy, self-informed humans tend to do. 

A couple of years ago, I developed this itch that I kept pushing deep down into the pits of my stomach. In the darkest corners of my mind and especially when it was quiet at night, I pondered a world without Hourglass Media taking up every waking moment. These aching thoughts arose every so often, until their voices were loud enough for my inner child, critics, and protector to be like, “What? Wait a minute! You’re louder than US!” That is when I knew I had to pay attention to this rising train of thought.

It’s no secret that your life completely falls on its ear and then does a few 180-degree turns when you have a child. My life began to change after the first miscarriage and especially after Luke’s birth. Add another miscarriage and several other life changes – and you have a recipe for changing aspirations. 2022 has been a year of recalibration, and truth be told, it has been a hard year. Through it all, I felt a sense of change, like my career is at the end of summer before the winds become cooler and changing leaves meet the ground.

However, as I always do, I resisted the thoughts and changes with every fiber of my being. I was MEANT to be a business owner. I was MEANT to remain in one place. I was MEANT to have something that was all my own, without external hands or opinions touching it. It was my comfort zone, and although having a business is a tumultuous endeavor, it was MINE. I even self-sabotaged other career opportunities because they weren’t covered in gilded gold and surrounded by hourglasses. So, I continued to work myself ragged, forever spinning on the hamster wheel and burning out while the midnight oil raged on. After all, I had long- and short-term projects to still work on as I tried to navigate this new normal of motherhood during a global pandemic. I spent a lot of time, tears, and panic attacks trying to avoid the inevitable: my business just wasn’t working for me anymore as it currently stood.

I began my career with rose-colored glasses, swearing to myself under an overachieving oath that I would NEVER get tired of doing the same thing. After all, I loved what I did, so I built my life around my work. However, it wasn’t the work, but the JOB. I began my career in nonprofit PR and communications, working my way up the proverbial ladder and managing the reputation of an organization and all of its nuances and front-and-center work. I put in sweat equity by responding to emails late at night, being the first to volunteer to do a task during meetings, and employing every perfectionistic tendency in my arsenal. As you can probably guess, that life is not sustainable. 

I have come a long way since that moment on March 26, 2015, when I sat on the floor of my childhood bedroom and created Hourglass Media from a spark of a daydream. I had moved back in with my parents after an abusive and toxic relationship ended in 2013, and I gravitated toward the effervescence of work. While I loved the work I did, I didn’t feel fulfilled. So, I began a “side hustle,” where I could channel all of my creative energy and spark for making a difference and have a more flexible schedule. I worked with mentors and partners that told me everything I needed to hear, from my expert-level prowess with specific services and skills to flattery that my starving heart gravitated toward. I worked on prominent campaigns as I began to launch my company to the stratosphere of the public domain, also taking on clients that helped me reach my bottom line instead of what fueled my purpose.

As my company evolved that year, my personal life took a nosedive. I lost my grandfather, Granny, and 18-year-old cat. I survived on coffee and other unhealthy behaviors. I sought attention, lived off others’ praises, and felt exceedingly lonely. Of course, starting a company would fill a void! It made me feel good to feel needed and wanted.

But, my world changed in January 2016 when I matched on Tinder with my future husband. In a page from a modern-day fairytale, we entered a whirlwind romance that has deepened over time. I eventually left my full-time job with all of its security when my husband (then boyfriend) told me he would support me until I made enough to sustain my company. It takes a lot of faith in someone to be able to make that decision after only a few months of dating, but I will say that I found a gem of a man who has always supported every professional and personal decision I have ever made. I did and do not take that lightly.

On the outside, my company is the picture perfect image you would put in front of a step and repeat. Media impressions in the billions, countless media placements, correlations between organizational and communications goals and objectives, thousands of stories told. After the flashbulbs inevitably burn out and instant gratification turns into dust, the inside paints a more realistic story. I have been successful, but I also know that variable and fixed factors have caused success to evade me in some respects. Honestly, I began to feel… empty.

On the flip side, I have invoked real change for clients, worked on passion projects, met and worked with amazing people, traveled to various cities, won awards, have created a brand I am proud of, started a new podcast, and a whole host of other successes.

Since working with my company full-time beginning in April 2016, I can say that I have given it my all. And there have also been times I haven’t. I have had moments of crying in a fetal position on my bedroom floor, wishing I could feel better about a proposal or presentation rejection. My husband has had to pull me back to reality, reassuring me that I am not as bad as my inner critics profess. I’ve worried about finances, dealt with contract loopholes, fired clients, had “come to Jesus” conversations with clients, forgotten to do important tasks, worked countless hours until I became overwhelmed, and had emotional responses when I should have handled them like a better leader. 

I could drown in an ocean of “should haves.” I “should have” earned more money. I “should have” hit the physical and virtual pavement to gain a revolving roster of clients. I “should have” built a better email list and sold more services and products to that audience. I “should have” attended more networking events, taken on work I didn’t like, worked through my mental health earlier.

Perfectionistic tendendies do not serve me well, and I have found clarity and solace in the successes, failures, and every step in between. This is more than mom brain and just a “rough season” in my business. This toiling, rumination, and ultimate decision-making is the result of many sleepless nights, conversations, weeks-long depressive episodes, endless negative feedback loops, and more. I have been unhappy for a long time, even with the world I always pictured right in front of me. I have what I always wanted, but my work has led to unhappiness, which filters to every facet of my life. It has taken up most of my brain space, but I need to archive it now. Emotional sponge or not, it’s time to hang up the thoughts and take some action. Fear has kept me at bay for too long. I have worried that people will judge me for wanting – and ultimately getting – a regular job again, that this decision is bathed in failure. 

I have not failed. I have evolved, and yes, failure is part of that. This decision is not based on failure. It’s based on my own personal and professional happiness. And humans are judgmental by nature, so I know feedback is out of my control. I have found peace in this decision for my family and me.

I am so thankful for my company. Thank you, Hourglass Media, for allowing me to grow at my own pace as a person and professional. Thank you for allowing me to discover new passions and put others out to pasture. Thank you for being there for me when I really didn’t have much else in my life in those first months. I honed my skill sets, was able to take care of my son for the first two years of his life with a flexible schedule, earned my APR, hired subcontractors, eased into hybrid meetings before the pandemic, and figured out what worked and what didn’t. I blazed a trail for myself and hopefully for others, too. At the end of the day, Hourglass Media is a sole-member LLC. It is, and always will be, what I need it to be.

I realized recently that I gave a presentation without having any vocalized pauses. (The practice video serves as evidence.) While that will likely never happen again, it gave me a clear-cut view of who I was, am, and will be as a professional. I knew then that my 26-year-old self would be blown away by my company’s progress – and my own. And she would want to grow up to be me, exactly where and who I am at this exact moment. My company, with all of its ups, downs, and blah moments, has allowed me to grow as a communicator, advocate, and person. 

It’s just time for new adventures.

Of course, I will always overachieve in healthy ways (and likely, sometimes unhealthy ways). I will give 100 percent and above with everything I ever do. The difference is that I won’t hand everything on a silver platter. I crave collaboration, not having to prove myself every five seconds. After you reach 13 years in the PR industry and 20 years as a professional writer, enough doors have opened that you are allowed to shut some of them.

Sometimes, those doors are even to your own company as you once knew it. Through it all, though, I never stopped writing. I wrote poetry on my phone in one hand as I fed my infant son his bottle in the other. I scribbled my frantic thoughts on lined journal paper, formed blog posts for my company’s website, and reveled in writing and editing projects. Those, coupled with a new love of psychology and mental health, began to propel me in a wholly different direction than when I began my company at 26 years old. Hourglass Media will now focus on writing and other integrated elements of storytelling as I have a “regular job” at Fielding Graduate University. I am excited to collaborate with others, working on goals and objectives that are outside of myself and have a real impact throughout the world. I know in my heart that this path is more attuned to who I am now.

I don’t want to miss my son grow up because I have 1,000 tasks on my to-do list and am too busy working 60+ hours a week. I don’t want to take my marriage for granted and never have any time to spend with my husband. I don’t want to waste away for the sake of to-do lists and endless hours of services that I am no longer passionate about. I want to travel and be in the moment and write and dream. And I cannot do that with the way my company is structured. I am not a single 26-year-old anymore. Sometimes, you want stability in the form of a 401K, a regular paycheck, a set schedule, and other security. You want the space to dream and restructure your consultancy and writing endeavors while working on something larger than yourself. I was never meant to stay in one place professionally. For me, feeling stagnant is one of the worst feelings in the world, and I have felt that way for at least a year – if not longer.

But, it’s OK, and so am I. It was always going to be OK. Now, as I stand on solid ground and channel my resilience, I accept that I am not the same person who started Hourglass Media. I have always been obsessed with titles and accolades, but this time, I want life to be simple. I want to be a mom, wife, writer/storyteller, and communicator. If I have all of those, I will be just fine.

The butterfly effect has landed here and now, and instead of fighting it, I am learning to accept what is and what was without letting go of who I actually am. I am so thankful for the first 13 years of my career. While this decision has been a bittersweet one, I feel a tranquility I have actually never experienced before. So, here’s to more adventures in all of my roles, changes for Hourglass Media, and my new position at Fielding Graduate University. 

“There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.” – C.S. Lewis.

XOXO, 

Kaylin

Kaylin R. Staten, APR, MPRCA, is an award-winning, accredited public relations practitioner and writer based in Huntington, WV, with nearly 20 years of professional communications experience. As CEO and founder of Hourglass Media, she uses her compassionate spirit and expertise to delve into the heart of stories. She is a wife, mom, mental health advocate, and Leia Organa aficionado. Connect with Kaylin on LinkedIn.