Mental Health Moments: Delving Into The Drama Triangle
⌛ By Kaylin R. Staten ⌛
During a recent therapy session, my therapist told me about the “drama triangle” to aid me in my journey for self-actualization and healthy ways to combat challenging dynamics in life.
I must admit, since learning about this social model of human interaction, the way I look at the world has changed. I don’t want to freak anyone out, but I can recognize the behavior in anyone I know and meet now. It’s immensely helpful, especially if you’re trying to figure out why you feel like you’re in a rut or want to better understand those around you.
Dr. Stephen Karpman developed The Drama Triangle more than 40 years ago, and this method is still used in transactional analysis therapy today. The bottom of the triangle is the victim, with the persecutor and rescuer in the top left and top right spots of the triangle, respectively.
Let’s dig a little deeper into each of the three roles. You’ll probably immediately realize if you or someone you know is a player in this Drama Triangle “game.” It’s important to note that it’s very unusual to play this game by yourself, as it requires at least one other person to help perpetuate the cycle and keep it going.
Before I introduce each role to you, I will admit that I have played every single role myself. I am not ashamed to tell you that, as I am sure most of us have participated in this “game” at some point in our lives. The important thing is to be aware and to make changes when necessary. The Drama Triangle drives me up the wall when I see it being carried out now, so I try to educate others about the process when I feel like it could be beneficial to him or her.
Here are the three roles in more basic detail:
VICTIM
If you “play” the victim in The Drama Triangle, then you tend to feel like people are out to get you. You may go down the path of helplessness, hopelessness, shame, oppression, and powerlessness. You feel like you can’t change -- not alone, anyway. You may blame others for how you feel, and taking responsibility for your circumstances just doesn’t come naturally.
If you feel like you’re the victim, then you feel persecuted and then want to be saved by the rescuer. This also feeds into codependency and a lack of self-esteem and self-worth. It may be challenging for you to make even a small decision and understand your negative behaviors in general. You may feel depressed and cannot find happiness in your life.
PERPETRATOR
As the perpetrator, you tend to blame others for what happens to you, with everyone else being at fault except for you. You blame the victims for needing help and the rescuers for helping the victims. You often want to control everything and set very rigid limitations to others. You may be angry a lot of the time and threaten victims if they do not do what you want them to do. Threats can be passive-aggressive or more up front. You may yell, judge, criticize, and more because you can’t open up to others. If you’re vulnerable, you feel like that is weakness -- and you don’t want to be the victim, right?
RESCUER
If you’re a rescuer, then you strive to save the day. In fact, you feel helpless and without purpose unless you are putting others before you and helping them constantly. You may struggle to feel good in your own skin, so you help others to feel good about yourself and know that you are needed and loved. This could mean that you’re not meeting your own needs and are running yourself ragged to help other people. You’re tired, overworked, and overwhelmed but feel guilty if you’re not coming to someone’s aid. You have trouble telling people “no” and are codependent on the help you give to others, thus making them codependent on you and your particular brand of rescuing and enabling.
In a sense, you are your own worst enemy and make yourself a martyr for victims and stressed out if you have to deal with a perpetrator who thinks you’re not helping him or her (because you feel like you’re going above and beyond).
You can play more than one role in a situation or gravitate toward one. They can be mild or extreme, depending on what is going on in any given situation or relationship. If you play one or all of these roles without any knowledge of their occurrences, then it could be challenging to break the cycle and not feel stuck all of the time.
Learn more about the roles here.
And here’s an example of each of the roles in use, from the archives of my very own experiences:
VICTIM
A lot of my anxiety and depression stems from my wounded inner child. I have realized in adulthood that much of my internal critical voices (whether it’s my own or belongs to others) continue to puncture at my inner child. For example, I have always felt attacked, even when someone is giving me constructive criticism. While I am able to keep these emotions more at bay now, I felt victimized and like the person didn’t like me, that I was doing something “wrong,” that I would never be able to redeem myself, etc.
PERPETRATOR
As many of you know, I am a control freak. I do like to have things my way, but that is obviously not always a reality! In order to maintain a collaborative environment both personally and professionally, you cannot blame others. In some cases, I have been a very mild perpetrator, saying things like, “Don’t do it that way,” to more extreme iterations,especially when combating negativity. It’s like I have to one-up the negativity by being worse -- and therefore way more toxic than I ever wanted to be. One example that sticks out in my mind is being in bad relationships in the past. If someone rude was said to me, I would have to be 10 times more rude (although I will be honest, my behavior was understandable. Not making excuses -- just stating reasons!).
RESCUER
This is the role that I have played the most, as I am a caregiver and compassionate soul by nature. I would rather take care of something for someone than have them be overwhelmed, inconvenienced, or distraught over having to do handle the situation. I am a classic enabler, and I have often just handled tasks to my own detriment. I have taken on others’ burdens to the point of having physical ailments, like muscle aches/tension, a low immune system, headaches, depression, anxiety, and more. Instead of teaching them how to do something, I always found it “easier” to just handle it myself.
How can you escape The Drama Triangle if you find yourself playing one or all of the roles? By turning The Drama Triangle upside down! I know it’s easier said than done, but each baby step toward living a more mentally healthy life will aid you in your quest for understanding and purpose.
This my friends, is The Winning Triangle:
CHAMPION instead of VICTIM
CHALLENGER instead of PERSECUTOR
COACH instead of RESCUER
Using a more healthy approach is a win-win for everyone and can help you break the cycle of The Drama Triangle without hopefully getting sucked back in.
I seriously do exercises now when I find myself in a Drama Triangle situation. I take the situation through the entirety of the triangle to obtain clarity and figure out how to best handle it. It helps, and I suggest you try it, too!
JOURNAL PROMPT: Have you ever played any of the roles in The Drama Triangle? If so, which ones? Describe the situations. How can you implement The Winning Triangle in this same situation to help break the cycle of negativity?
Please note: These blog posts are not clinical, although we will provide symptoms and other information. These posts are based on my experiences with anxiety and mental health in general. If you or someone you know needs help, visit a website like Mental Health America to learn more.
Mental Health Moments blog posts are every other Tuesday of the month. Our CEO and contributors highlight what it's like to live with a mental health disorder and continue to fight the stigma through storytelling.
Kaylin R. Staten, APR, is an award-winning, accredited public relations practitioner and writer based in Huntington, WV with 18 years of professional communications experience. As CEO and founder of Hourglass Media, she uses her compassionate spirit and expertise to delve into the heart of clients’ stories. She is a recovering perfectionist, mental health advocate, wife, Luke’s mom, cat mom, and Leia Organa aficionado. Connect with Kaylin on LinkedIn.