Bringing Light to the Unconventional Side of Mental Health
⌛ By Isabella Mershon ⌛
Please note: This blog post contains information and insight about mental health disorders and experiences that could be triggering for some. Please be advised.
When I was a little girl, I remember feeling the need to be perfect. There’s one memory that has always stuck with me — the first memory I have where I saw the effects of this pressure. I was in 2nd grade, around seven years old, at a parent-teacher conference. I had begged my parents to go because I had a B on my progress report. I wanted to have all As — to be perfect — so I wanted to ask what I could do to improve my grade. When the teacher explained that I was doing great in school and there was no reason to worry, I felt fulfilled and validated.
When I was 15, I was diagnosed with anxiety. I remember nights where I would just cry and cry until I was able to fall asleep. I would overthink and overanalyze until I would break down. I picked my fingernails until they couldn’t be any shorter without bleeding. I struggled with a lot of stomach issues (when I googled my symptoms the internet convinced me I was dying, but my parents and doctor assured me that my pain was just ulcers from worrying too much).
As I got older, my anxiety was accompanied by depression. I thought that I was sad due to my circumstances. When everything in my life was going great but I still didn’t feel like myself, I knew something was wrong. I woke up every day tired no matter how much I slept; I felt like no one around me truly loved me, even my family and friends; I felt like I didn’t deserve the good things happening to me; I felt like I was damaged goods.
I believe that people who do not truly understand mental illnesses believe that once you start medicine and/or therapy, everything miraculously gets better. I started taking medication for my anxiety when I was fifteen. I am now 21 years old, and I am still trying to find the right medication and dosage that works for me. I have tried many different medications. Some of the side effects I have experienced are weight gain, depression, dark thoughts, irritability, fatigue, feeling emotionally numb, and the list goes on. With each new medicine, I start on a low dose and slowly increase as needed. As my body adjusts to the medicine, it is normal to experience side effects. If the side effects continue, I have to make the choice of if the pros outweigh the cons of the medicine. I have even gone through periods where I would stop taking medicine because I was afraid that I was making up my anxiety and depression. I was quickly reminded why I started medicine in the first place though, so then I would start all over again with a new medication.
I shared a glimpse of what my journey with mental illnesses has looked like, but it is different for every person. I wanted to help share other peoples’ stories and experiences. I sent out an anonymous survey to some of my peers, ages ranging from early teens to late 20s. I asked them the question, “What does living with a mental illness look like in your life?” I compiled a list of the answers I received:
Living in a constant state of distraction. Traveling here and there, hanging out with my friends, scrolling through social media, working, and so on to distract myself.
Staying busy all day, so by nighttime, I am so exhausted that I go straight to sleep. This prevents me from staying up late and sitting alone at night with my thoughts.
Walking through a life that’s not mine.
Feeling isolated.
Staying in bed all day, but not by choice.
Being irrational when it comes to my emotions.
Having a workload so heavy that I know I have so much to do, but I can’t mentally get myself to do it.
Not having the energy or drive to brush my teeth, wash my face, take a shower, brush my hair, etc.
Watching my living space get messier and messier, but not having the will to clean it.
Hiding my anxiety/depression from my loved ones in fear of being “dramatic.”
Convincing myself that my friends and family don’t love me.
Dissecting every part of my life — attempting to figure out what caused me to be in the state that I am currently in.
Feeling unlovable and crazy.
Gaining weight and hating the body I am living in.
Binge eating when I feel sad or stressed and hiding it from family and friends.
Abusing alcohol and drugs to feel something.
Being overly aware of how people are perceiving me.
Feeling like I am on the outside looking in.
Being angry because I just want to feel normal.
Feeling like I am living with a toxic parasite that never goes away. It is constantly taking over me in every situation. It’s telling me how to feel and what to do. When I am asked to talk about it, I feel like I have to shut people out. Medicine is only temporary, but it still finds a way to get in my dreams, in my work, and in my friendships.
Constantly fighting my inner battles.
Having thoughts that tell me it would be easier to give up, but knowing that I could never do that to my friends and family.
Feeling like I mess up every good thing in my life.
Uncovering trauma that I didn’t know was trauma at the time. I blacked out what I was feeling at the moment it was happening so I wouldn’t have to deal with it.
Living a life that feels like a rollercoaster.
Knowing that I need help but feeling too scared to tell someone.
Thinking about something at a million miles an hour. My hyperactive personality causes me to overthink or get too excited about the littlest things which result in me pushing away people.
Struggling daily with the dangerous coping mechanisms I have learned to use.
Avoiding triggers at any cost.
Missing out on a lot of things because I sleep 24/7 even though I’m not tired.
Canceling plans last minute because I don’t want to be seen in public.
Always assuming the worst of every situation.
Never thinking what I do is near enough.
Feeling guilty when I have no reason to.
Lacking the energy to eat some days.
Random mood swings that hurt many people close to me.
The inability to think about anything positive even when I should be happy.
Sitting around waiting for myself to do something, but feeling stuck in an endless loop of “I feel unproductive, I feel guilty, and I feel stuck.”
Forgetfulness and feeling scatter brained.
Wanting to improve myself with no results, because I lack the motivation.
Longing for therapy with no motivation to book an appointment.
Feeling paranoid all the time.
Struggling to make a decision due to overthinking.
Having unread emails.
Overcompensating with jokes so no one knows how sad I am.
When I read every response, the biggest takeaway I had was that I wasn’t crazy or alone. Every person has their own struggles, some even have struggles that are similar to mine. Many of these people, including myself, hide under a smile and pretend to be okay. With my own journey, I have learned that it’s impossible to be okay all of the time. In order for me to better myself, I have to put in the work each day; I have to be open and honest with myself about what I am feeling; I have to be willing to ask for help.
Please note: These blog posts are not clinical, although we will provide symptoms and other information. These posts are based on my experiences with anxiety and mental health in general. If you or someone you know needs help, visit a website like Mental Health America to learn more.
Mental Health Moments blog posts are every other Tuesday of the month. Our CEO and contributors highlight what it's like to live with a mental health disorder and continue to fight the stigma through storytelling.
Isabella Mershon is a senior at Ohio University in Athens, Ohio. She hopes that her drive along with her passion for leadership and advocacy will help promote success in her career and make a difference in the lives of those around her. Connect with her on LinkedIn!